Jesus Never Meant For That

Hello Rest of The World,
I would like to cut to the chase tonight. I'm pretty tired: emotionally, spiritually, physically, visually, apparently...haha ok I'll stop.

I could do the normal and attempt to explain the details and imagery and itinerary of the last three weeks, but instead I would just like to tell you about a particular experience I had at a PhotogenX weekend retreat to Makapala, about 1.5 hours drive northward along the coast of the island.

The retreat was named Pure Heart weekend. It was entirely centered around our relationships we have with out mothers and fathers, and the roles they were created to fulfill in God's perfect will and design. We also, of course, talked about romantic relationships. You can imagine how intense this was, and all in a day's work (yesterday, Saturday, from the hours of 7am to 9pm to be exact).

Anyway, I always aim to process and understand myself in these blogs while simultaneously blessing you, my treasured reader; this is what I pray for before/while I write.

It was an incredible weekend of teachings and practical application, i.e. intense gutting out of the hurts and pains and inequities in our relationships of all sorts, all through prayer. Let me just tell you, I met Jesus in His being (spiritually of course, not so sure He comes in flesh these days) for the second time in my life. I do not mean to say He does not walk with me and talk with me on the daily. You'll get the idea, I'll just keep writing.

So this topic was of a touchy/tender one, but I am not one for secrecy or skirting around the deets. I had entered into prayer over the hurts I have had with boys (not men, they're not men unless they're my dad, and whenever I meet my husband, and the guys in our program that were dubbed in a true knightly fashion, literally, there was an epic sword of medieval proportions, I'll have to share that later..otherwise you are a boy).

You see, I have been promiscuous in my life. I can't say that it was just once and that I have changed my ways myself and I would like to scratch from your records the idea of me that I am perfect or innocent from the temptations of youth. If you knew me in high school you know I was almost always dating someone. They were never quite the healthiest relationships. I have experienced manipulation, temptation,  disrespect, inadequacy, confusion, and lies, and dare I mention molestation.

I don't need to get into detail nor explain the emotional baggage and damage. Just know that I do no accuse nor blame but forgive these experiences while also taking responsibility for the ones I acted in will. I assume that if you can relate, you are already in understanding. If not, skip the emotions and read below.

Wow, I'm not sticking to my promise of cutting to the chase. Here's chase:

In the intensity of prayer I began to repent in the most heartfelt and truest sense. I began to tell Jesus that "I never meant to..." and I don't think I ever used words to finish that as I said it over and over. But I know what meaning I filled in the blanks.

I never meant to look for Your protection in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your affection in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your approval in a boy.
I never meant to look for my value in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your companionship in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your honor in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your blessing in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your confirmation in a boy.
I never meant to look for You in a human.

THEN, the incredible JESUS moment happened. I saw some of the moments where I had searched for those things in misguided intimacy and realized Jesus was right there with me. In my prayer Jesus began to take over my phrase of repentance and turned it to me:

I never meant for you to find Me in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My protection in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My affection in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My approval in a boy....

Jesus Himself, the MAN that bore the wrath of God for all of creation (human that is) humbled himself to yet another lowly state of sin, my sin, and redeemed it in the most gentle of gentle ways. He was sorry I searched for the right things in the wrong places. He was sorry for my hurt and was crying for my pain. HE NEVER DESIGNED US TO FIND HURT WHEN WE WANTED HIS LOVE.

That was the other cool part--when I say cool I mean spiritually-connected-to-Jesus-in-unnatural-yet-awesome-ways--as Jesus had taken my phrase and stood in my place, I also recognized a transition in my tears. I was then crying Jesus' tears for me. Those tears He cries every time  we are hurt by the world and its workings. Every time we choose not His love, in all its forms and purposes.



I'd love to hear/read your response to this. I aim to spread the love and redemption of the REAL and ALIVE Jesus much further beyond me and this place, and I hope I did just that tonight. I want to know how this affects you and how it did or did not make sense.

Know that Love is greater than any evil, that God is there always and that He is always good. Things do not always make sense, but that has nothing to do with God's plans, His will, His design. Be slow to blame Him and quick to seek Him. Amen.