Today was a beautiful day. It wasn't over the top exhilarating, just simply really good. And, its only noon!
Life has been pretty rough lately. I have been acknowledging the legitimate but reasonably-avoidable feelings of homesickness. And being honest enough with myself to face reality. Reality is that not every day is going to feel/be/seem/appear awesome. Reality is that sometimes I will feel or even believe that I am nowhere near impacting peoples lives for the better with the things I do in my little garden world (which is actually giant!). Reality is that people are busy and though they're having fun its not in spite of my loneliness; its just a fact. Reality is that not every day is going to be exciting and adventurous like traveling to Greece with 10 amazing women and facing new, and by default, EXCITING!! things all the time. Life can feel settled and that's okay.
Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in years but then it quickly turned around and I felt peace and contentment. It was like I cried and prayed and cried the junk away just enough to make room for God. I saw the joy and goodness in my life and in my relationship with God despite the other 98% of me feeling essentially opposite of that.
I know that the flavor of the next couple months are going to be challenging. God told me so. He said that up til Christmas-time that life was going to be a season of equipping and training, practically and spiritually. I have felt lonely in a lot of what I do here not because there's a shortage of people to be with but because their daily activities are separate from mine.
When I'm not with people the stinker of a ferocious mind I have can upset me and take me to places that just aren't fun. I believe stupid untrue things like I don't really have (close) friends on campus or that I'm tired of the hard work it takes to make friends or when I do see familiar folks that I shouldn't interrupt their happiness-on-the-outside with my need for attention and social interaction. Silliness, but honest.
I bet you can probably relate. I know that I know that this is not goodness from God but badness from the devil. I will kick him in the face so hard one day!!
Back to the equipping season God mentioned. I recognize that for the bulk of my growing up in my relationship with God these past years has been part of a program or pre-packaged by other people. Things like my discipleship program here at YWAM last year: our days were scheduled and organized to the T! [Gosh, I am such a structure person! It's genetic!] I spent so much time with God in the prayer room, in class learning about Him and I was with 55 other people on the same schedule. The meeting times were pre-arranged and having friends around was a given. It all felt so full and easy because other people in my life initiated it...
...THAT'S IT! Initiate! I am becoming my own initiator. Well, actually,strike that. God is showing me how to work through my relationship with Him to be co-initiators. I know that God does not live life for us, but we are so designed to live it in relationship with Him. He is our father after all, and He is such a good dad. He really is.
Still, its not easy. I am moving away from dependence on organized fellowship and toward dependence on the freedom of spending time with God, whenever. So if I want to read my Bible, guess what? I have to focus on that desire long enough to stop everything else and do it. I am so easily distracted my cop-out use to be "oh but I just can't get myself to sit down and dot it." Well this season is full of the grace and awareness of choice. Choose to say no to the millions of other just as funtastic options just for a moment so I can get some bibleage in me. This is equally vital to getting stuff done in the garden. Or cleaning my room or getting something to the post office or doing the dishes. I plan my own days so if I have a distractable mind at work, then, welp, I'm going to have a haphazard and supremely frustrating day.
These are just a couple of the things I am learning while being here. I could write for days, we all know I could! To finish up what I started with: a beautiful day. I made friends with a beautiful, friendly, easy-going and lovely lady who happens to help with a snorkeling-for-kids-with-special-needs-ministry called Deep and Beyond. Needless to say I had a spectacular guide who knew what to do and where to go. We grabbed a cup of coffee at my fave place afterwards and were able to jib-jab about our challenging seasons. We laughed (kinda, not really, don't want to be like Sarai) about how sometimes we just want to be in that frolicking-in-the-meadows-with-flowers kind of season of feeling peace and joy and happiness with God instead of the challenging, emotional, desperate, hungry kind of season that honestly seems to contradict the goodness we know God is. But. He is always and only good. Circumstances, however, are not always like frolicking in a meadow.
To my dear snorkel-coffee-awesomesauce friend and to anyone that reads this, while you feel like you're in a desert, there will be signs of meadow flowers. If you're having a desert kind of day, go to the store, buy a couple flowers and put them in a jar. Bam, now you have your flowers and you can get through the tough stuff.
Life has been pretty rough lately. I have been acknowledging the legitimate but reasonably-avoidable feelings of homesickness. And being honest enough with myself to face reality. Reality is that not every day is going to feel/be/seem/appear awesome. Reality is that sometimes I will feel or even believe that I am nowhere near impacting peoples lives for the better with the things I do in my little garden world (which is actually giant!). Reality is that people are busy and though they're having fun its not in spite of my loneliness; its just a fact. Reality is that not every day is going to be exciting and adventurous like traveling to Greece with 10 amazing women and facing new, and by default, EXCITING!! things all the time. Life can feel settled and that's okay.
Yesterday was one of the lowest days I have had in years but then it quickly turned around and I felt peace and contentment. It was like I cried and prayed and cried the junk away just enough to make room for God. I saw the joy and goodness in my life and in my relationship with God despite the other 98% of me feeling essentially opposite of that.
I know that the flavor of the next couple months are going to be challenging. God told me so. He said that up til Christmas-time that life was going to be a season of equipping and training, practically and spiritually. I have felt lonely in a lot of what I do here not because there's a shortage of people to be with but because their daily activities are separate from mine.
When I'm not with people the stinker of a ferocious mind I have can upset me and take me to places that just aren't fun. I believe stupid untrue things like I don't really have (close) friends on campus or that I'm tired of the hard work it takes to make friends or when I do see familiar folks that I shouldn't interrupt their happiness-on-the-outside with my need for attention and social interaction. Silliness, but honest.
I bet you can probably relate. I know that I know that this is not goodness from God but badness from the devil. I will kick him in the face so hard one day!!
Back to the equipping season God mentioned. I recognize that for the bulk of my growing up in my relationship with God these past years has been part of a program or pre-packaged by other people. Things like my discipleship program here at YWAM last year: our days were scheduled and organized to the T! [Gosh, I am such a structure person! It's genetic!] I spent so much time with God in the prayer room, in class learning about Him and I was with 55 other people on the same schedule. The meeting times were pre-arranged and having friends around was a given. It all felt so full and easy because other people in my life initiated it...
...THAT'S IT! Initiate! I am becoming my own initiator. Well, actually,
Still, its not easy. I am moving away from dependence on organized fellowship and toward dependence on the freedom of spending time with God, whenever. So if I want to read my Bible, guess what? I have to focus on that desire long enough to stop everything else and do it. I am so easily distracted my cop-out use to be "oh but I just can't get myself to sit down and dot it." Well this season is full of the grace and awareness of choice. Choose to say no to the millions of other just as funtastic options just for a moment so I can get some bibleage in me. This is equally vital to getting stuff done in the garden. Or cleaning my room or getting something to the post office or doing the dishes. I plan my own days so if I have a distractable mind at work, then, welp, I'm going to have a haphazard and supremely frustrating day.
These are just a couple of the things I am learning while being here. I could write for days, we all know I could! To finish up what I started with: a beautiful day. I made friends with a beautiful, friendly, easy-going and lovely lady who happens to help with a snorkeling-for-kids-with-special-needs-ministry called Deep and Beyond. Needless to say I had a spectacular guide who knew what to do and where to go. We grabbed a cup of coffee at my fave place afterwards and were able to jib-jab about our challenging seasons. We laughed (kinda, not really, don't want to be like Sarai) about how sometimes we just want to be in that frolicking-in-the-meadows-with-flowers kind of season of feeling peace and joy and happiness with God instead of the challenging, emotional, desperate, hungry kind of season that honestly seems to contradict the goodness we know God is. But. He is always and only good. Circumstances, however, are not always like frolicking in a meadow.
To my dear snorkel-coffee-awesomesauce friend and to anyone that reads this, while you feel like you're in a desert, there will be signs of meadow flowers. If you're having a desert kind of day, go to the store, buy a couple flowers and put them in a jar. Bam, now you have your flowers and you can get through the tough stuff.
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