Ballerina, not just Photographer

Monday Night, Ministry Night, PhotogenX DTS, YWAM Kona UofN.

This is now Tues morning before intercession--

I had been feeling like there was more blocking me from truly having Jesus as my Lord and I'm believing there is probably quite a bit that needs clearing out. The worship leader had the staff offer prayer for things, or even if you didn't know what you wanted prayer over. I found Lou, she's staff on the Sports DTS. She's beautiful and bold, a strong-looking woman and very Spirit-filled. 

I told her how I had felt like there was something junky in my heart I still hadn't let go of but I didn't know what it was. She prayed/ministered against STRIVING, control over what I'm learning, rather what I'm missing out on. The likelihood of me being able to go through my whole experiences (via my notes/journal) being…well zero. Its DTS-overwhelming meteor shower of teachings and knowledge. God let land in my spirit what I need to take away. 

She started praying and God gave her the word RESENTMENT and asked if it resonated with me. Nope. But then again I was not resonating with much of anything the past week and a half or so. She had me pray on not STRIVING, not being in control of my studies (BRITTANY, THIS IS NOT UCD!! NEW STYLE OF LEARNING!!!)

Then I was to pray over resentment and ask God what it might/could mean for me. And if my Holy Spirit didn't bring up anything, then you ditch it. That's how it works. You always have a choice to receive the things people with the best intentions think they're hearing from the Lord. 

Well, when they say God knows your heart, they weren't kidding!

I realized I did have resentment for someone in my life but was at the same time aware of the reality that I had no good reason for it. You see there is a difference between what we receive and perceive people to be in our lives and the reality of what and who and how they are, in reality. Jesus how you know me! You were there in it all too. 

I also learned that I had a HUGE milestone worth of resentment for a transition in my life. It was the time that I dropped a passion of mine for a seemingly legitimate replacement. I was a ballerina and I wanted to start playing sports in high school. It would be more fun, I would get to bond with my best friends that were actually from my home town and participate in the community of Firebaugh, instead of outside it. It was also getting harder to commute to Fresno for dance--the more advanced you get the more classes you take, the more rehearsals for performances there are etc, and driving a round trip of 2 hours for 1 hour of dance multiple times a week just didn't seem worth it when I could replace it with a local greatness of volleyball and basketball. But Jesus revealed to me last night the primary reason I had for making the leap. I did not want it to be true, nor expect it, but I'm realizing when you go into a time of prayer and ask the Holy Spirit to show you what you cannot see, you'd better be ready for truly a revelation of something you had hidden from yourself. 

I dearly loved my 5 years of athletics. I loved it! I learned so much about myself and spent countless hours working up the best sweat of my youth in a gym full of my friends. (Well, I sweated a lot in ballet class too, but in a gym is just such a different thrill!). 

God has been bringing me images of ballet, me dancing ballet, me getting excited about it and the truest desire to be able to dance in worship with such elegance as I just know He would be delighted in. I just can't attain this with salsa or swing--elegance is not so important here.

I initially was perplexed (still am I suppose) and told God, I can't do this. I can't be that again. If y'all knew me in high school and still now, you know I have had lots of issues with my feet, I wear ugly and ergonomic shoes instead of cute trendy ones, and just have given up on being able to use them with intensity and frequency.  

Here comes more resentment. 

I made the switch from ballet to sport for the wrong reason. I was looking for intimacy in friendships and really thought that I would gain love by coming into their passion for sports. Don't get me wrong, I am an athlete and compete with the best of them. But I could have done that with keeping my identity of ballerina. But with these past couple days of realizing God made me a ballerina, in prayer last night I acknowledged my resentment in Jesus for not keeping me in that, on that path. For letting me get wooed by fitting in and connecting to others through sports. I need to pray into it more because I don't quite understand what I was using sports for. 

So, lots of forgiveness later, I'm pausing to keep rational but I do believe God wants to restore my identity in being a ballerina, I just don't know how that will look. I can give ya a good guess and hope that Jesus walks me through learning how to worship Him through dance. 

I didn't come to DTS/PhotogenX/YWAM/Hawaii to (re)become a ballerina. I came here to become a photographer. I'm still grappling with this surprise. But I blame it fully on myself: I asked for revelation, for Jesus to bring to surface the thing that was blocking me from accessing my whole heart. And, welp, He is faithful--He did!