Hello Rest of The World,
I would like to cut to the chase tonight. I'm pretty tired: emotionally, spiritually, physically, visually, apparently...haha ok I'll stop.
I could do the normal and attempt to explain the details and imagery and itinerary of the last three weeks, but instead I would just like to tell you about a particular experience I had at a PhotogenX weekend retreat to Makapala, about 1.5 hours drive northward along the coast of the island.
The retreat was named Pure Heart weekend. It was entirely centered around our relationships we have with out mothers and fathers, and the roles they were created to fulfill in God's perfect will and design. We also, of course, talked about romantic relationships. You can imagine how intense this was, and all in a day's work (yesterday, Saturday, from the hours of 7am to 9pm to be exact).
Anyway, I always aim to process and understand myself in these blogs while simultaneously blessing you, my treasured reader; this is what I pray for before/while I write.
It was an incredible weekend of teachings and practical application, i.e. intense gutting out of the hurts and pains and inequities in our relationships of all sorts, all through prayer. Let me just tell you, I met Jesus in His being (spiritually of course, not so sure He comes in flesh these days) for the second time in my life. I do not mean to say He does not walk with me and talk with me on the daily. You'll get the idea, I'll just keep writing.
So this topic was of a touchy/tender one, but I am not one for secrecy or skirting around the deets. I had entered into prayer over the hurts I have had with boys (not men, they're not men unless they're my dad, and whenever I meet my husband, and the guys in our program that were dubbed in a true knightly fashion, literally, there was an epic sword of medieval proportions, I'll have to share that later..otherwise you are a boy).
You see, I have been promiscuous in my life. I can't say that it was just once and that I have changed my ways myself and I would like to scratch from your records the idea of me that I am perfect or innocent from the temptations of youth. If you knew me in high school you know I was almost always dating someone. They were never quite the healthiest relationships. I have experienced manipulation, temptation, disrespect, inadequacy, confusion, and lies, and dare I mention molestation.
I don't need to get into detail nor explain the emotional baggage and damage. Just know that I do no accuse nor blame but forgive these experiences while also taking responsibility for the ones I acted in will. I assume that if you can relate, you are already in understanding. If not, skip the emotions and read below.
Wow, I'm not sticking to my promise of cutting to the chase. Here's chase:
In the intensity of prayer I began to repent in the most heartfelt and truest sense. I began to tell Jesus that "I never meant to..." and I don't think I ever used words to finish that as I said it over and over. But I know what meaning I filled in the blanks.
I never meant to look for Your protection in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your affection in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your approval in a boy.
I never meant to look for my value in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your companionship in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your honor in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your blessing in a boy.
I never meant to look for Your confirmation in a boy.
I never meant to look for You in a human.
THEN, the incredible JESUS moment happened. I saw some of the moments where I had searched for those things in misguided intimacy and realized Jesus was right there with me. In my prayer Jesus began to take over my phrase of repentance and turned it to me:
I never meant for you to find Me in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My protection in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My affection in a boy.
I never meant for you to find My approval in a boy....
Jesus Himself, the MAN that bore the wrath of God for all of creation (human that is) humbled himself to yet another lowly state of sin, my sin, and redeemed it in the most gentle of gentle ways. He was sorry I searched for the right things in the wrong places. He was sorry for my hurt and was crying for my pain. HE NEVER DESIGNED US TO FIND HURT WHEN WE WANTED HIS LOVE.
That was the other cool part--when I say cool I mean spiritually-connected-to-Jesus-in-unnatural-yet-awesome-ways--as Jesus had taken my phrase and stood in my place, I also recognized a transition in my tears. I was then crying Jesus' tears for me. Those tears He cries every time we are hurt by the world and its workings. Every time we choose not His love, in all its forms and purposes.
I'd love to hear/read your response to this. I aim to spread the love and redemption of the REAL and ALIVE Jesus much further beyond me and this place, and I hope I did just that tonight. I want to know how this affects you and how it did or did not make sense.
Know that Love is greater than any evil, that God is there always and that He is always good. Things do not always make sense, but that has nothing to do with God's plans, His will, His design. Be slow to blame Him and quick to seek Him. Amen.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Normalcy Found in Company
DEAREST Friends and Family, God, Jesus and the Spirit, and anyone else who is reading this: I apologize for the latency, I have had limited free time and even more limited access to a computer. This is all changing so expect tons of processing over the ASTRONOMICAL amount of change, revelation, and inspiration (hopefully), and the tear-jerking, heart-wrenching, exciting, delightful, entertaining, fulfilling, gratifying and TRANSFORMING experiences that corroborate that GOD IS GOOD ALL THE TIME.
FOR STARTERS: APPETIZERS
Vacationing for a week in the wondrous volcanic lands of Hawaii, (pronounced huh-vi-E), was perhaps a treacherous platform for beginning a DTS-discipleship training school. I have heard non-stop affirmation that this program was designed to rock my world, to ruin me for normalcy, mediocracy, and to have the most intense soul reparations imaginable.
But don't get me wrong, vacation with the two best women in my life, momma and seester (sister), was fabulously relaxing, low maintenance and well planned all at the same time. Oh, and who can forget Dad surprising the three of us, separately I might add--what a talent!
I do not dare to retell all that has passed--I prefer, demand rather, a phone call or video chat for a question and answer sesh, I would fare so much better with an interactive correspondence. It'll go by fasted and be so much more entertaining that way.
To sum things up, I will proudly say it in brevity: God my Father, is my Redeemer. Two-part it is:
The discontentment I have always carried was indeed for a purpose and not for pain. I have had this craving for a passionate, out-loud display of ACTIVE and aggressive love, the love from Jesus, for Jesus. For a land where people love in doing, and a land where it is normal. You'll read me using "normal" lightly and often, and by this I just mean that it is a natural instinct, a common sight. The second part is in my desire for photographic expression and a freedom for impact. This freedom I am realizing is not from accomplishment by skill, but as we are continuously taught here, there is no gap between practical and spiritual; photographic excellence is not earned, but a talent that is given.
Jealously. Competition. Coveting. Comparing. Impatience. Self-control, particularly of the mind. Pride in my zeal and appearance (saving face). Impatience. Comparison. Moving without the prompt of the Holy Spirit. These are all things that you can pray for me over. They are things that, in a greater context, are the things I'd love God to wreck me for. To destroy any effects in the direction of life-crippling that may be.
"You wouldn't put the fullness of God in a heart that was empty" just as you would not put new wine in old wineskins. I'm sorry this is such a teaser, I have ages more to tell y'all about.
Just know this crazy madness (us YWAMers) that has the skill and guidance by God to change the globe, is getting reared and discipled. We look like this:
LOVE of the GREATEST design,
Bee
FOR STARTERS: APPETIZERS
Vacationing for a week in the wondrous volcanic lands of Hawaii, (pronounced huh-vi-E), was perhaps a treacherous platform for beginning a DTS-discipleship training school. I have heard non-stop affirmation that this program was designed to rock my world, to ruin me for normalcy, mediocracy, and to have the most intense soul reparations imaginable.
But don't get me wrong, vacation with the two best women in my life, momma and seester (sister), was fabulously relaxing, low maintenance and well planned all at the same time. Oh, and who can forget Dad surprising the three of us, separately I might add--what a talent!
I do not dare to retell all that has passed--I prefer, demand rather, a phone call or video chat for a question and answer sesh, I would fare so much better with an interactive correspondence. It'll go by fasted and be so much more entertaining that way.
To sum things up, I will proudly say it in brevity: God my Father, is my Redeemer. Two-part it is:
The discontentment I have always carried was indeed for a purpose and not for pain. I have had this craving for a passionate, out-loud display of ACTIVE and aggressive love, the love from Jesus, for Jesus. For a land where people love in doing, and a land where it is normal. You'll read me using "normal" lightly and often, and by this I just mean that it is a natural instinct, a common sight. The second part is in my desire for photographic expression and a freedom for impact. This freedom I am realizing is not from accomplishment by skill, but as we are continuously taught here, there is no gap between practical and spiritual; photographic excellence is not earned, but a talent that is given.
Jealously. Competition. Coveting. Comparing. Impatience. Self-control, particularly of the mind. Pride in my zeal and appearance (saving face). Impatience. Comparison. Moving without the prompt of the Holy Spirit. These are all things that you can pray for me over. They are things that, in a greater context, are the things I'd love God to wreck me for. To destroy any effects in the direction of life-crippling that may be.
"You wouldn't put the fullness of God in a heart that was empty" just as you would not put new wine in old wineskins. I'm sorry this is such a teaser, I have ages more to tell y'all about.
Just know this crazy madness (us YWAMers) that has the skill and guidance by God to change the globe, is getting reared and discipled. We look like this:
LOVE of the GREATEST design,
Bee
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Day 3: Hungry. Love. Jesus.
I'M HERE!!!
Ok, I have been in Hawaii for 9 days, been officially part of YWAM since Thursday (today is Saturday) and I have fallen in love with the purpose of being here: Falling in Love with Jesus.
I love everything about what this program stands for which is somewhat ironic being that one of my favorite things is that the staffers here stress that this 6 month adventure we are all on is NOT about the "PROGRAM" but instead it is about RUNNING after Jesus, knowing God's heart and reaching that fullness of identity and redemption, grace and love that the J-man (Jesus) is all about.
You can't say the name Jesus enough around here and I LOVE that, too.
The campus is great, very hilly and I will definitely be getting my exercise in without trying. I must resort to my pata-mobile (foot-mobile, i.e. walking) to go to the grocery store and fro-yo and such.
This place is filled with people that desire to honor God, loving Him and loving others. Jesus essentially rewrote the Bible when He challenged the Sadducies' challenge and said, Love God and Love Your Neighbors. That's what we get to do here...which reminds me, why do we not do that so often outside of programs like this one?
A couple things I thought of in that AWEsome worship experience:
Its always nerve-racking for me to meet so many new people at once. You probably are puzzled and think, that's crazy, she's a social butterfly. But, I usually flourish in my flutter when I get to be the center of attention and I'm the new person and theres a group of persons I get to meet and, again, lets face it (LFI for here on out, there will be a lot of these confessional comments) the opportunity to impress and please people with my people pleasing skills.
But I have heard "I love you" from so many girls and the staff already in the last few days those insecurities and lack of center-of-attention-pleasers have begun to disapate.
Today we went to the beach as the PhotogenX school alone--there are several different DTS schools and other programs. That was amazing. I think there are about 10 men here so the initial segregation resembling a junior high dance--girls on one side, boys on the other, was breached. And I got to just pass time without too much analysis (shocker?) and relax a bit around faces I was beginning to think were old as sliced bread.
Deb, Daniel, Josh, and Chelsea bobbed in the sea beyond the gentle wave-break (there are A LOT of technical ocean/surfer/beach guru-esque terms that I need to learn) and then decided to swim to the end of the beach/shore limits where the majority of the group were jumping off the volcanic-y rocky cliffs. No thank you. So we swam further beyond that and found a cave and just when we thought oceans were somehow nicer in Hawaii, we found ourselves annoyed by the salt content and unhelpful pull of the waves.
Gosh, I wish I could record all of the great moments to share with folks back home and also to be able to remember them years later, but what is living if we are always holding onto the past, even if its the recent past. Just know that I am safe in God's arms, happy to the core to be in His will, protected by His grace and surrounded by the truest community I've ever known all connected by the same exact truth.
Love,
Brittany
Ok, I have been in Hawaii for 9 days, been officially part of YWAM since Thursday (today is Saturday) and I have fallen in love with the purpose of being here: Falling in Love with Jesus.
I love everything about what this program stands for which is somewhat ironic being that one of my favorite things is that the staffers here stress that this 6 month adventure we are all on is NOT about the "PROGRAM" but instead it is about RUNNING after Jesus, knowing God's heart and reaching that fullness of identity and redemption, grace and love that the J-man (Jesus) is all about.
You can't say the name Jesus enough around here and I LOVE that, too.
The campus is great, very hilly and I will definitely be getting my exercise in without trying. I must resort to my pata-mobile (foot-mobile, i.e. walking) to go to the grocery store and fro-yo and such.
This place is filled with people that desire to honor God, loving Him and loving others. Jesus essentially rewrote the Bible when He challenged the Sadducies' challenge and said, Love God and Love Your Neighbors. That's what we get to do here...which reminds me, why do we not do that so often outside of programs like this one?
Goal #1 for the life outside YWAM, constantly denying myself, my rights to be put first, and to never leave a conversation, job, friendship, encounter of any kind without loving that person.Readers, you could probably tire of reading the word love, but I pray for you that is an impossibility! I can't say that I don't have plenty of moments where I'm not loving my neighbor, this much is a given, but I see love everywhere. On our tour of the prayer room it was not just a walk-through tour, it was a come in, praise God, lets sing some worship and let the Holy Spirit rock our hearts. Imagine this, about 125 (guessing) people all moved to tears and shouts and knealing and swaying and smiling and proclaiming and praising God. He was instantly jumping at the chance to enter our hearts and stir things up. I hope you know God is willing and waiting, eager even to do the same for you. Again, God is not already changing me because of a program, but because He is the Almighty, Lord of this world.
A couple things I thought of in that AWEsome worship experience:
- Wow, there really are a whole lotta people with passion and frustration (in the form of HUNGER!) and desire to know God and to get closer to Jesus and become best friends with the Holy Spirit.
- If we can have this much fire and raw energy-love here on earth, what the heck is Heaven going to be like?! And, will I be able to handle it?
- I have company in this divine romance. Praise my God.
- All the hunger and desire that has left me frustrated and even disappointed in myself (more on that later), was never free of God, but perhaps the precise thing that led me here.
Its always nerve-racking for me to meet so many new people at once. You probably are puzzled and think, that's crazy, she's a social butterfly. But, I usually flourish in my flutter when I get to be the center of attention and I'm the new person and theres a group of persons I get to meet and, again, lets face it (LFI for here on out, there will be a lot of these confessional comments) the opportunity to impress and please people with my people pleasing skills.
But I have heard "I love you" from so many girls and the staff already in the last few days those insecurities and lack of center-of-attention-pleasers have begun to disapate.
Today we went to the beach as the PhotogenX school alone--there are several different DTS schools and other programs. That was amazing. I think there are about 10 men here so the initial segregation resembling a junior high dance--girls on one side, boys on the other, was breached. And I got to just pass time without too much analysis (shocker?) and relax a bit around faces I was beginning to think were old as sliced bread.
Deb, Daniel, Josh, and Chelsea bobbed in the sea beyond the gentle wave-break (there are A LOT of technical ocean/surfer/beach guru-esque terms that I need to learn) and then decided to swim to the end of the beach/shore limits where the majority of the group were jumping off the volcanic-y rocky cliffs. No thank you. So we swam further beyond that and found a cave and just when we thought oceans were somehow nicer in Hawaii, we found ourselves annoyed by the salt content and unhelpful pull of the waves.
Gosh, I wish I could record all of the great moments to share with folks back home and also to be able to remember them years later, but what is living if we are always holding onto the past, even if its the recent past. Just know that I am safe in God's arms, happy to the core to be in His will, protected by His grace and surrounded by the truest community I've ever known all connected by the same exact truth.
Love,
Brittany
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