What of the wrath and judgement of the Lord?

I was having a good time reading the Bible the other day and I was so delighted by that nice caring side of God. You know, where He takes something you love in scripture and connects it with the encouragement you need to hear? (See my previous post). As I was reading through Luke 1-3ish last Friday I was struck anew by something in the Gospel I have read through here and there many times.

What happens when we have a conviction of divine duty and we do not do it? I am asking because I really want your advice/counsel/Godly wisdom on this. I am broken-hearted over something I read and appreciated as a cutesy lesson from the Bible and separated from my real life. These kinds of realizations are like slamming on the brakes to a halt in the middle of an empty country backroad because you are running late and just noticed you left something at home—like your compassion, your boldness, your courage and the simple duty of zeal buried beneath the obligations of social conformity.

Luke 3:9-11 The ax is already at the root of the trees, and every tree that does not produce good fruit will be cut down and thrown into the fire.” “What should we do then?” the crowd asked. 
 John answered, “Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same.”

I always look for something new to stop me in my tracks when I am reading something so popular like a passage in Luke. This is the track-stopper: Anyone who has two shirts should share with the one who has none, and anyone who has food should do the same. 
ANYONE, anyone who has two (or more, many many many more) should share with he/she who does not have many many many more.

This wasn't such an exclamation in my heart until the next morning. My mom had a work conference in San Diego and I being in a season of restfulness (or at least learning how to rest) went with her to serve as her driver and to continue resting in a preferably warmer place. As we were headed home Saturday morning, getting closer to the freeway on-ramp I saw a man with a sign, a homeless or extremely disadvantaged man. His slice of cardboard read this:

God bless. Please help. A LITTLE LOVE GOES A LONG WAY.

I read that sign and immediately thought his rare sign was a great photo-opp! And then I quickly remembered how I want to make sure I live my photography life 'people-first-photo-second.' And then I wondered what my mom might think if I asked to give him money/something even if in lieu of the the photograph. Then I squirmed in my seat as the light turned green and I realized I didn't get my photograph, I didn't help this man, his sign melted my heart with a conviction of the truth of how I am to live...I sat there in passivity instead of boldness. The fear of man and that awful truth that if enough time passed I would not longer feel so challenged. This inner-debate stole that opportunity from me. 

I could have easily asked my mom to make a U-ey and pull into a parking lot. She would have and I probably would have been able to 'get-away with it' without much convincing; I could have grabbed my camera, grabbed my wallet, offered to buy him a refreshment or sustenance and then dignified him by asking for his name, honor him by asking for his story, take a photo to go with his story. And then give him a hug—because all that lovin' would have indeed gone a long way.

I was about to post just the above as my entry but I just had a conversation with a dear friend of mine, Campbell. She and I got to talking and sharing thoughts and what not on how we are so wired for DOING things for God and not enough of BEING for God. How God wants our worship and our love and proclaims His (un)dying love for us free of MERIT. How it's hard for us to admit this, being such 'do-ers,' but that perhaps there are moments and convictions and realizations like these for just the sake of learning. For the sake of glorifying and petitioning God in prayer, for He is the almighty, not I.

I have these expectations of myself, you see. Expectations that are so stern they're more like obligations, and are very performance-driven. I am so quick to condemn myself for what I do and do not do. It can be quite toxic and brings me anxiety quite often. Campbell mentioned how we are so quick to be harsh on ourselves and how she often senses God say things to her like, 'I love you' when she is beating herself up (metaphorically) for not DOING something.

So here I am, reminded of God's free unconditional GRACE but perplexed and in somewhat of a rock+hard place. I read this scripture of a command that speaks on DOING. GIVE your shirt away if you have extras. But I read his sign, and went on my way. 

These things I am sure I will be judged for--God will ask when I get to heaven, why did you not stop? Would it have taken too much time? Too much effort? Too much humility?

But I do not doubt that God is so well pleased that I am learning so much right now. That I am taking the time to write about it (I learn so much deeply-er this way) and to discuss it because now, now my heart has processed this learning and I put my hope in Jesus to use me for the next time. To use me to DO His will when He asks. We shouldn't have to be asked by God to do the things that we know would honor him, would bring a smile to his divine self, but I don't think He would on the other hand condemn us for it. Wait on the Lord to do His will, do not fill in the blanks of a quiet day in order to earn your daily dose of righteousness. 

There is nothing we can do that would thwart God's will—but who am I to assume that God's will was for me to DO something for that man? What if I am reflecting on His very plan: to reveal to me the functionality of scripture, the practical that is to be lived out in my life? Because I am certainly more prepared just now, and a smidge closer to being like Christ.

I am sorry I did not do what I am more than capable of DOING for that man but I will not bind myself in the chains that Jesus died to break off.